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I’ve been hesitant to post this for months now, but here goes…

In early October, I was asleep in my bed when I awoke in the middle of the night. I was laying on my back, my husband beside me to my right. Suddenly, my right arm raised up in the air, reached over my husband and started making these strange gestures. Thing was, I was not the one moving my hand! It wasn’t me! I was watching it happen, but I was not doing it. It was like my hand was possessed and moving of its own free will, like it was casting a spell on him!

After a few moments, my arm went back to rest at my side. But then my left arm raised up. My hand moved to just above my abdomen and started to gesture and swirl. The weirdest thing about it was that I had no reaction… I just watched it happening and when it stopped, I rolled over and went back to sleep like nothing happened.

As I rolled over to sleep, the name Gabriel popped into my head.

The next morning, I’d forgotten all about it. Something I saw online reminded me, so I googled ‘Gabriel’. Many of you may know this already (I didn’t), Gabriel is the Archangel that appeared to Mary, foretelling the birth of Jesus.

I had had 2 dreams of pregnancy and a possible allusion to ‘baby’ in a recent psychic reading, but was in denial that I could actually be pregnant… reason being, I’d been trying for 8 years unsuccessfully and had given up believing it could be. I hadn’t used birth control of any kind in 13 years and not one pregnancy! I really truly believed I could not get pregnant. So when the dreams came, I dismissed them.

But when Gabriel came, possessed my hands and made strange magical gestures over my husband and myself, I decided it was time to do a home pregnancy test. It was positive and today I am 18 weeks pregnant with a girl. I am often still in disbelief about it.

Let me make this clear, though, I am not a religious person and I am in NO WAY implying that this baby has anything to do with Jesus. I have been communicating more and more often with spirit in the past months, but the use of religious symbolism really surprised me. I do feel this pregnancy is a miracle though. 🙂

Here she is at 11 weeks along. Until I saw her on the monitor, I was convinced I was making it all up!



I’ve been meditating. Everyday. Several times a day. And I can feel the momentum building… a momentum of presence.

And I have been reading, although reading so often leaves me wanting.

After hundreds and hundreds of pages on Indian Yogis and the proper scientific practice of meditation and yoga, I came upon something really powerful. Simple and powerful. And humorous. Hundreds of pages describing complex techniques, intense discipline, practiced to perfection… it all felt silly and unnecessary to me, like patting the head while rubbing the belly. And then came the chapter on Samyama.

The emotion that came as I read the first few paragraphs on Samyama were so powerful I had to put the book down and just cry and cry and laugh. No exaggeration, it felt like I had discovered what I had been searching for my entire life. Here it was and it was so simple! And something I already knew! (Of course!)

I’m going to sum up Samyama in my own words, because in going back and re-reading the original text, my overwhelming sense it that it can be so much simpler than described there.

It starts with the basic stillness found in meditation. You do not need years and years of meditative practice, or even hours and hours. Once you’ve found that calm silence (could be your first time) Samyama can be utilized.

From that state of calm silence, gently pick up a word that represents your desire. Just one word that represents a powerful intention. Let’s start with Love. You are in silence, you pick up the word Love, hold it just long enough to feel it and then let it go, go back into silence. Stay in the silence for a bit (maybe 10-15 seconds). Pick up the word Love again, hold it until you feel it, let it go back into the silence. Repeat as many times as you like and then move onto another intention.

That’s it. Easy.

The three words I prefer to use are Love, Unity, and Radiance. Because to me, it kind of emphasizes the very process of Samyama. In reaching for silence, love appears. With love comes unity or communion with All That Is. Radiance broadcasts that ‘One Love’ back out to the boundaries of the Universe. And as a result, my life becomes the physical manifestation of all of that!

You can use any word representing any desire or intention you hold. There are no rules and you need not worry because you cannot have a bad intention. No matter what you throw into the silence, only goodness comes bouncing back. You can’t get it wrong! One important point… don’t expect some miraculous happening during your meditation as a result of Samyama (voices, epiphany, visions, etc.)… look for the the effects in your daily life.

Try it… you’ll like it!

Next post, I’ll talk about how this super simple picking up and letting go is used outside of meditation.

Oblivio essevet, over and over in my mind as I get out of bed this morning, not realizing right away that it’s from The Nines, one of my favourite movies. As I wonder about it, my dream starts coming back to me…

…my sister and I are in a busy public square in Toronto. Richard Gere walks by us with a wet handkerchief draped over his head, which I find quite odd. He is leaning into a conversation with a young woman as he walks along and I get the sense she is giving him acting direction for a scene they are in the midst of filming. That he is acting gives context to the handkerchief, in a way.

The thought occurs to me and I voice it to my sister, ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if all these people were acting?’ She looks up and yells, ‘CUT!‘ in an attempt to be humorous… when everyone in the square stops what they are doing, break character and look at her. They were only acting. And we were the only ones unaware!

Oblivio essevet… oblivion sets in.

In The Nines, Ryan Reynolds plays three different characters in three separate but overlapping stories… an actor, a television writer, and a video game designer.

In one scene, the writer is behind two-way mirror observing a test audience as they watch his latest production. A man stares directly at him through the glass, ignoring the screening, and Reynolds is perplexed. How could the man be looking at him, he shouldn’t be able to see him? But then the man charges towards the glass and yells, ” The show’s not real! Why can’t you just see that? Jesus! What are you fucking blind? You think you’re above this, don’t you? You are trapped here with the rest of them brother! Get out! Get out! Oblivio essevet!”

Sounds a bit doom and gloomy, but really just a tactic used by a handful of characters throughout the movie attempting to wake him up, reminding him that he is the creator of it all.

My dream, a reminder. Or, a confirmation, more like. I love it!

A great movie, by the way. You should check it out.

Though I didn’t make it through this book the first time round at age 12, Seth’s teachings were the ‘religion’ of my childhood. During a trip home last week, my mother gave me her copy of Seth Speaks… the very copy I’d attempted to read at least 24 years ago. Since then (last week, I mean), I’ve allowed myself all sorts of altered states and expansion of consciousness. The Seth material, for lack of better words, is ‘weirdy’… propels me into ‘weirdy’ states.

But this post is not really about what Seth said. It’s about what I want to say. Because after finishing Seth Speaks, I moved on to The Nature of Personal Reality and The Nature of the Psyche… and was left wanting. I realized in the midst of my Seth indulgence, that I was counting on Seth to say what I wanted to hear… but they never really did. They’d inch up to it, but never quite get there.  I’ve felt this way with just about every other book I’ve read about the nature or reality.

What it boils down to is this… I have been waiting for some other more knowing being to give me permission to experience life in the way I know is possible. It’s like, if Seth said exactly what I wanted to hear, I’d then be free to really let go and create. Because then everything I suspect is true would be validated and I could go ahead and live it.

So this is what I’ve come to… I’ve got to write it. I’ve got to write what I suspect is true, so I can see it written and give myself permission to live it. I’ll call it redsparklegirl Speaks.


Overnight the last two nights, I’ve been having intense pain in the centre of my chest. As I awoke this morning, I was told it is because my world is shifting dramatically and that spot is axis mundi. Very cool.

Before each meditation, I’ve asked to be shown whatever is most useful to me at that moment and been getting the message, over and over again, that I’m already doing it. Everything I’m reaching for, I’m already doing it.

Lately, I’ve been amazed at the telepathic powers of my friends and have said to them, “you say key words and phrases that are quite meaningful (to me) without even realizing you’re doing it”. The third time that came out of my mouth, the realization slapped me in the face… I was talking to myself! This was me channeling to and for me! I was saying ‘you’re doing it right now and not even realizing it!’

My next thought was ‘think about what you’ve predominately been saying to others, it is the message we are communicating to you’.
And when I think back to what I’ve been saying to people in my life, this is the message to me from my higher self:
I love you immensely. Everything about you is beautiful. Everything you’ve been asking for is surrounding you… it is here, now. You are more powerful than you ever thought possible. Together we are creating something completely original to all the Universe. When you open up to seeing it, your whole world will change in an instant (in an immensely, powerfully, positive way)… and this is happening now. Just by reaching for it, it rushes in to meet you.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about permission slips, as Bashar describes, and that channeling is exactly that… a permission slip to be more fully myself. In identifying channeling as so, I no longer need it and can skip right to granting myself permission to just go ahead and be myself, unabashedly.
Once I let go of my need to channel, all this information came rushing in. And the message is being repeated, over and over, through songs on the radio, through the current episode of a tv show I’ve been watching, through words and phrases of the people in my life, through dreams, through Bashar… it is everywhere, already surrounding me. Exciting, exciting times.
Now that I’ve opened up to seeing it…

I met R last week. Meeting him felt meaningful because I met him through M and because it felt synchronistic even before I arrived at the pub. M said, ‘if you like Steve Jobs, you’ll really like this guy’. Just following my excitement (M, Steve Jobs, beers… all good).

Turns out R’s job is creating virtual reality, immersive environments… 3D virtual, interactive environments you can walk through. My God! What could be more interesting?! Right away I’m asking a million questions, asking if I can see one of these environments, asking if he needs an apprentice. Then he tells me they create these immersive environments using software called Sandde!

Sandy!?!?! Come on!? Now I know this is an important meeting! How could it not be? R creates 3D mind projections using a tool called Sandy. How could anything be closer to me and what I’m about than that?!

I’m currently unemployed, so my first thought was that this could translate into a job opportunity. R tells me my theatre technician and art installation skills could definitely get me a job in his company. I’m ecstatic! Well, that was easy! No, not really. I messaged R a couple days later and got no response. Hmm.

So, what does it all mean? Where does it leave me? It leaves me with three important realizations.

1.) I do not want to rely on technology to create reality, I want to do it directly.

2.) I do not want to rely on others for opportunity, I want to create it myself.

3.) R creates virtual reality using a tool called Sandde. I can use my own internal Sandy the same way! (that’s the mechanism I’ve been reaching for?)

Had a dream last night something about ‘remembering’ that I am only a small portion of 3 segments… feels like ‘guide’, ‘me’, then Sandy who takes up about 80% of the continuum. Woke up feeling like this was an important thing to remember, an important thing I was remembering. As I fell back to sleep, every time I reached for that remembering, my awareness shifted very swiftly… like I surfaced from somewhere deep, right up to my third eye in a flash. It happened at least three times and meant to me in the moment that the idea was valid and potent. ‘Right on’. Like the swift movement was validation of the thought.

Overnight L emailed… mentioned he noticed my channelling post was removed and said it was too bad because it was very good. I wrote him back a long email about all the ‘struggles’ I’ve been having with channelling… not finding someone to help me, feeling like I was making it all up, feeling like it wasn’t happening fast enough or at all, being confused by the messages I’m getting in dream state and their lack of evidence in my wake state. Got me asking questions…

Why is it so important that what you are learning in your dream state be reflected in your wake state?

Because then I know that it is real. If none of my hunches ‘play out’, how will I ever be able to know that what I’m doing is valid? If none of them play out, what value are they?

Maybe they are playing out but not in the way you suspect.

That’s fine. I just want them to play out in some way, ideally some meaningful way… otherwise, what’s the point? What is their value if they do not provide value!?! What is their value if they do not translate to this physical realm? It’s the reason I do not want to teach… because what is the value of the idea if it does not translate to the physical realm? So many teachers for so long have been talking and talking about these ideas, but very few people (if any) have really grasped them and translated them to the physical realm. Even the teachers themselves! Look at Esther, look at Darryl. Are they living these things? Are they living them in the way I want to live them? The way I imagine they can be lived?

Originally written as a comment at and updated for this post.

I talked about the Magic Eye images a few months back in my post where, in meditation, I reached this state of being that felt flat, 2D, immediate (no time or space… or more precisely ALL time and space made local and instant). Like the reverse motion of the Magic Eye image… the collapse of form back into flatness. I recognized this localized oneness right away as a familiar state from my early childhood. 

This concept has been communicated to me several times throughout my life, like a reminder… 2D (oneness) only becomes 3D (diversity) when assigned meaning.  I’m now beginning to understand it is an important tool of creation. By reaching for that immediate oneness state of being, we zero out, in a sense and can spring forth newly defined. It makes sense now that rediscovering it in meditation would bring me back to early childhood – the time we are all assigning meaning to our realities, solidifying them.

There is a C.S. Lewis book (I think it’s called Perelandra) where the character travels to another planet. Upon first seeing the landscape of this other planet, all he perceives is a flat plane of colour, no three dimensionality… because what he is looking at is so foreign to him he has yet to learn ‘how’ to see the landscape in 3D. I must have read this book when I was 10 or 11 years old, but that notion really stuck out for me. I was fascinated with it… didn’t quite understand it, but was fascinated.

Years later, in my early twenties, I had surgery for the first time in my life. When I awoke after the surgery, my mind was so out of whack from the drugs that upon first opening my eyes, all I saw was flatness. A flat plane with variations in colour. After a few moments of striving to make sense of what I was seeing, slowly my focus shifted, shifted, shifted and I could again perceive 3 dimensions. I was reminded of that scene in the C.S. Lewis book and finally understood what he meant. Until you define it, it’s flat. Defining it gives it more dimensions.

Just recently, I heard Bashar the channel talking about how each complete reality is like one still in a film strip. You must move from one reality to the next to the next to even have a sense of time or movement… because each reality is still and by moving through them you perceive change… again, from flat to 3D (or 4). He also describes a meditation where you imagine a flat 2 dimensional triangle… hold that for a moment… then imagine the triangle expanding to become a pyramid… hold that for a moment… then imagine it returning to a triangle… repeat. Then, imagine the same shift with your self. Imagine you as flat, or small, and then imagine yourself expanding out in all directions, and then back in, and then back out. I’ve found that visualization very potent, an important key to shifting reality.

This is how it has unfolded for me… first love, then trust, then learning to fly. Yes, I know… crazy, right? My higher self has been communicating ‘flying’ to me for over a week now and I’m finally starting to listen and understand.

It started a few months ago when I began reaching for an understanding of what it is I truly want. When you settle into what it would feel like to live in the world of your dreams, you realize what it feels like is love. So I started reaching for love and a whole new world opened up to me. I started receiving communication from my higher self, answers to all my questions, glorious new insights and understandings. The more time I spent in that communication, the more I trusted what was revealed to me. The biggest message I received was that I am moving into the ‘realm of the miraculous’. By reaching for love, you become You. And by trusting what You know, you enter the realm of the miraculous… that place where you begin to know that truly miraculous things are not only possible, they are natural.

The morning after this epiphany, this tip-toe into the realm of the miraculous, I awoke as if into a completely new world. It still looked a lot like the world of yesterday, but it was different somehow… really, the most fitting description is ‘new’ and completely still. Walking in the woods with my dog, everything felt alive. I felt like I was in a fairy tale woods, like the trees would start talking, all the animals peeking out at me in curiosity. At some point I had the thought ‘what if I could fly!’ and realized that I couldn’t feel my feet touching the ground with each step as I should, like I was floating. Like I was weightless. The rest of the day was amazingly synchronistic, actually causing me to laugh out loud a few times as things lined up so magically.

A few days later, I became semi-conscious in the middle of the night, as I often do these days. This is when much of the communication occurs… it’s very dreamlike and difficult to pin down, though I always come away with at least one definite clear statement… so clear I’ve wanted to wake my partner and tell him in the very moment of realization. So, on this particular night, I was in the midst of receiving a message and suddenly I felt like my feet were rising, effortlessly, floating. And I just thought ‘hmm… that’s interesting’. I realize now that my Self has been using ‘flying’ to communicate the possibility of the miraculous. I am learning to fly!

Someone posted this video on Facebook yesterday and I thought how glorious it must have been for those people who just happened upon this scene, not knowing what was going on and for even the briefest moment thinking they were actually seeing people fly! And for that moment, before their logical mind talked them out of seeing the miraculous, it was possible!